Travelling with adult children: a parents guide 13 tips for a happy, stress-free trip

Amazingly, we returned still speaking to one another.

But, more importantly, we bonded over experiences – including the terrifying, the humorous and the sublime – that have been knit into the tapestry of our family’s collective memory. And my husband and I got to see China through the eyes of 20-somethings born years after Tiananmen Square, who mostly envisioned it as a country of dirty air and delicious food.

Here are some guidelines we gleaned from that adventure and have improved upon during a few short trips since.

Consult everyone about the itinerary

My husband and daughters fine-tuned my initially far-too-ambitious plan for China, cutting some destinations and swapping others. We wound up with a manageable itinerary we all could live with.

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Did every person want to go to every site? No. But every person had a destination they were excited about. And the city my younger daughter insisted we visit – which I had wanted to skip because it had been opportunistically renamed Shangri-La – turned out to be one of my favourites.

Stay calm

Things are going to go wrong. If you get upset, or if you turn stubborn and rigid about the itinerary or schedule, it will justifiably annoy your children who, let’s face it, are less invested emotionally and financially in the trip.

Don’t overbook yourselves

Allow flexibility not just for scheduling mishaps but for serendipity. One night, on impulse, my older daughter and I happily explored the aisles of a Chinese department store. Another night, we all spent a couple of hours drinking and chatting with a lovely group of strangers in the lobby of a hotel my younger daughter discovered.

But we didn’t have much down time. Even though we were half a world away in a place we might never visit again, it would have been smart to reserve a day or two to relax and recoup energy.

Create a shared document

I put our itinerary online on Airtable, along with names, addresses, and phone and confirmation numbers of hotels; the departure and arrival cities, times, airline names and flight numbers for our travel segments; names and contact information of the guides we had hired; and a to-do list (such as vaccinations, passport copies, getting a VPN). This kept everyone in the loop, and we could access the information even if we weren’t together.

Hire a guide for the tricky stuff

We designed the itinerary and made all our flight and hotel reservations ourselves (with sites such as Ctrip.com and Agoda, this was easy even for a non-Mandarin-speaker). But we hired private guides to shepherd us around Beijing, the more isolated areas of Yunnan and parts of Guilin.

This reduced the tension and squabbling that comes with trying to figure out how to get somewhere in a country where only one of you speaks the language. It also kept everyone on their better behaviour, added a buffer and gave us greater insight into China.

Get separate rooms

Yes, it costs more, but time apart on a trip together is perhaps the most important way to help maintain everyone’s serenity – and sanity. If you think you will want to spend more time together after an exhausting day of touring, an arrangement with a common area is nice. Otherwise, a separate hotel room not right next to your own can allow everyone to feel like they are really getting away from one another.

Choose a hotel near activities everyone will enjoy

That nice quiet hotel at the edge of town is going to make things inconvenient for anyone who wants to stay out later to shop or bar-hop or find music or other things you haven’t thought of and might not want to know about.

Compromise on dining locations

It is important to respect everyone’s dietary choices. Also, you do not have to eat every single meal together. If it’s going to annoy you that your offspring sleep through the free breakfast, make it clear that they are on their own, time-wise and financially, to find a substitute.

Don’t get upset if not everyone wants to visit every site

One of my daughters wasn’t feeling well and begged off from a visit to the rice terraces near Guilin, which I had anticipated would be the highlight of our trip. Instead of fretting over the experience she was missing, I reminded myself that she knows what she can handle (as it turned out to be a relentlessly rainy day, it was the right call) and that she is young. She has plenty of years to get back to Guilin, if she chooses.

Let them pitch in

In addition to sharing an adventure and making memories together, perhaps the most delightful part of travelling with adult children is that you don’t have to handle everything. Someone else can read the map, call the taxi, interpret the dinner menu, carry the heavy suitcase and, if you are lucky, argue in Mandarin with the people who are trying to shake you down for US$100 for taking photos of their yaks.

Your younger companions will spot things that you miss, such as all the humorously translated signs (we think “Ban Retrograde” near an escalator meant “Don’t go down backwards”.) And being 20-something, they will push you to do things you wouldn’t otherwise consider, such as walking down part of the mountain instead of taking the cable car.

The ultimate guide to long-haul travel with young children

Have them organise and lead some of the trip

When everyone is an adult, everyone has a different opinion about what to do, how to do it and which resources to rely on. Take advantage.

I realised this on a more recent trip to New York, when my usually chill husband complained about the noise and crowded seating at the restaurant I had chosen. Because I had been making all the arrangements and trying – too hard, my daughters would say – to please everyone, I bristled. The next day, one daughter planned the schedule, plotted our travels and picked a restaurant. We had the best bahn mi sandwiches ever, which we would have missed otherwise.

Consider scheduling some relaxing travel

As one of my daughters later pointed out, our family tends not to take “sit-on-the-beach-and-relax holidays”. Instead, she said, we are always moving and there are always logistics to work out, which is stressful. A lazy holiday where we can just enjoy one another’s company is definitely in order.

Discuss money beforehand

We generally pay for the transport and hotels, and the activities and meals our kids share with us. Any clothing, souvenirs, extra food and drink or other activities are their responsibility.

We are now entering the phase in which their significant others might accompany us on trips. So far, this approach seems to work. If we invite boyfriends, we cover the lodging and joint meals and activities. They take care of their transport, other meals and extras. Things will change as the younger folks move beyond internships, fellowships and entry-level teaching jobs.

Finally, wait a few months before trying to plan the next big trip

Your children now have their own separate existences. Give them time to look back fondly on your adventure, in between all the chaos and curveballs life is throwing at them. Trust that they will eventually miss you and, once again, feel the appetite for travel that you are so happy to share with them.

The Washington Post

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